JOKES FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT
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'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said David, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest "man thingy" the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Dave replied. She ran out of the room.
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“MUSICAL TERMINOLOGY”
P ~ PIANO (SOFT) ~ the neighbours have complained
F ~ FORTE (LOUD) ~ the neighbours are out
CRESCENDO ~ (GETTING LOUDER) ~ testing the neighbours tolerance level
FF ~ FORTISSIMO (VERY LOUD) ~ to hell with the neighbours
PP ~ PIANISSIMO (VERY SOFT) ~ the neighbours are at the door
DIM ~ thick
CON MOTO ~ I have a car
ALLEGRO ~ A little car
MAESTRO ~ A bigger car
METRONOME ~ person small enough to fit comfortably in a Mini
INTERVAL ~ time to meet other players in the bar
PERFECT INTERVAL ~ when the drinks are on the house
CON SPIRITO ~ drunk
CHORDS ~ things that organists play with one finger
DISCHORDS ~ things that organists play with two fingers
SUSPENDED CHORD ~ for hanging the soloist
SYNCOPATION ~ bowel condition brought on by an overdose of jazz
PROFESSIONAL ~ anyone who can’t hold down a steady job
IMPROVISATION ~ what you do when the music falls down
VIRTUOSO ~ someone who works wonders with easy play music
CODA ~ served with chipsa
CODETTA ~ child’s portion
TONIC ~ pick-me-up
FUGUE ~ clever stuff
PRELUDE ~ warm up session before the clever stuff
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Definitions
• Consciousness - the time between naps.
• Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make
the money you did.
• Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
• Justice - a decision in your favor.
• Paradox - two physicians.
• Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can
be taken to the cleaners.
• Flattery - an insult in gift-wrapping.
• Alimony - the cost of loving.
• Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.
• Oboe: An ill woodwind that “no-one” blows good.
• Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.
• A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what
time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
• A born loser: Somebody who calls the telephone number that's scrawled
in lipstick on the phone booth wall -- and his wife answers.
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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'burrr-gurrr-king'!!
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Spectral Hound
One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up,
when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared,
but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a
kindly bar owner stitches it back on.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner, 'but we don't re-tail spirits after closing
time.'
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Dog Tails
A man walked into a pet shop and said, “I'd like a puppy for my
son.”
”Sorry sir,! said the store owner, “we don't do part exchange”.
Two dogs were walking along the road. One dog stopped
and said: "My name is Fido. What's yours”?
The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied: "I think it's
Down Boy."
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Talking Dog for Sale!
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The guy goes into the garden and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So,
what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and
in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and
I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded
a batch of medals. Had a bitch, a litter or two of puppies, and now I'm
just retired.
"The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. The owner says "Ten pounds." The guy says he'll
buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are
you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
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TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Mary.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sue. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds, in the garage, the shed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.
This is a prank on a "grand" scale. Over 200 people gathered at Grand Central Station in New York to pull off a 'frozen in place' act. The onlooking travelers who weren't part of the act were mystified as to what was going on.
Click on link "Frozen in Grand Central Station - Video"